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8 easy ways to a better you

01/07/2011
So, I’m not big on resolutions.  The fact is, I don’t want to make a promise I will break.  If I make a commitment, I tend to follow through, so a broken resolution is a serious happening.

So I have devised an equally effective way to get to a better you in 2011.

Instead of improving yourself, you could worsen your surroundings.  It’s the whole addition by subtraction theory (or something like that). Why work on shreading your abs, when you can just sharpen your tongue?
Here are my sure-fire ways to boost your self esteem in this twenty eleven.
  1. Hang out with ugly people.
  2. Change the tags in your jeans to read two sizes smaller.
  3. Have dogs for friends — They love you despite you.
  4. Wax politics with 5th graders… better make that 3rd graders.
  5. Portion control — Drink larger portions of alcohol to mask your terminal sadness.
  6. Go to your reunion with a hot, your aspiring actor/actress.  Tell them they’re playing the role of the spouse, and if they nail it, you’ve got a part in uncle Spielberg’s next movie.
  7. Memorize a couple statements to sound smart. e.g.: “The quantitative easing by the Feds has had the opposite intended effect in the bond market, primarily because of the reduced global confidence in US economy.”  — If some one chimes in, just respond that “Bernanke (pronounced bər-NAN-kee) is an idiot,” and excuse yourself to the restroom.
  8. Surround yourself with sycophants.  Much like LeBron James, you can never be wrong if your posse’ refuses to disagree with your bone-head “decisions.”

There you go.  Follow these easy steps, and you will be eight ways to Sunday on your way to becoming a better you.  It’s the year of the rabbit, so hop to it.

p.s.  Wanna’ hang out?

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