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Transform This!


So I bought my son a Transformer toy.  Actually, I let him pick it out as no sane adult would choose such a fate for their kid and themselves. No holiday or special occasion, and not because he had been especially good.  Perhaps, it’s advanced compensation for all the ways I’ll screw him up in the future?

Turns out I was punishing myself.  The box said 5+.  Jack is 3 1/2, like every parents kid, “he’s advanced for his age.” I figured we’d have no problem transforming the TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN— Deluxe Class — Chevy Mudflap.
Wrong. The instructions were 2-D line art of illustrations on the sequence of bends, twists and pops, 24 different boxes of inexplicable schematics.

So I went on the internet to find more detailed instructions… They don’t exist.

Then I looked for other horror stories and pictures of these abominable playthings destroyed out of frustration… I couldn’t find any.

Apparently, I’m the only one who can’t figure out these devil-spawned trinkets. Meanwhile, Jack, giddy with anticipation, was climbing on me while I was tinkering with the sadistic little toy. His cherubical voice implored me to “Do it daddy,” which only added to my chagrin.

I almost broke out the rubber mallet to piecemeal the parts just for an effective illustration of my disgruntlement, but I figured why scar a child indefinitely for a blog post when I only get 20-or-so hits a day?

Instead, I walked away and did what any good dad would do: I told Jack to “go ask your mommy.”

After about 3 minutes, my better half threatened to mortally harm me if I “ever brought another one of those  hell-toys  in the house”…

But she’s done that to a number of my friends, so that’s nothing new.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. 05/18/2010 9:58 am

    Ah yes. The dreaded Transformer years.

    I HATE those damn things. And my kids hate them too.
    Of course that didn’t stop them from acquiring like 50 of those suckers including some ginormous Optimous Prime creature that I think was supposed to turn into a life size Mini Cooper or something. We will never know. CUZ WE COULD NEVER TURN IT INTO ANYTHING.

    It was a happy damn day I gave all those suckers away to some genius nephew. Come to think of it…they should use Transformers as an IQ test or GATE exam maybe.

    or a door stop.

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